What is NVC
From Notes
This is quite a challenging question. Everyone seems to struggle to communicate this conscisely and straight forwardly; no description seems to quite capture it adequately.
So, because this is quite frustrating, we are collecting together attempts to describe NVC, and we'll see if this can inspire us.
Sue Beardon
nvc helps us when we are involved in communication which is difficult and potentially conflictual, to get beyond right, wrong, good, bad - to get in touch with what we are feeling and needing and express that to another person with no blame or demand. Equally it helps us hear the other person's feelings and needs behind any blame or demand they put on us. We do this by telling someone clearly and factually what triggered our present feelings, and what needs of ours are not being met right now. We might follow this with a specific, doable request. The most important thing underpinning all this is that we are seeking not to win, but to connect empathically, so that each person involved can find joy in meeting both their own and the other person's needs.
How does this sound? I am sure you could work on it and improve it I really enjoyed attmepting to meet the challenge, so thank you. Love Sue
Sophie Brown
(this is the long version!)
"Do you sometimes feel that you've said what you thought you meant to say with a strong wish to connect with someone, but the response you get from your listener doesn't bear this out? - its as if we know and feel inside at some level what it is we really want to express, but then there seems to be a mis-match between this and the language and habitual thought structures which we rely on to communicate ourselves. In fact, instead of actually expressing what is going on inside us, often we seem to just react and respond to things outside of ourselves - we talk to judge, evaluate, to make things wrong or right, to demand others to change, we blame and seek ways of influencing the outer world in an effort to express ourselves, offload tension, or make things better.
We all do that, and it serves us to some extent. Recently, however, I came across a new way of thinking and communicating which I've found inspiring and really helpful, as it gives me more choice about how to express myself and how to listen to others in a more heartfelt way.
It goes like this...When we notice ourselves reacting to the outside world, we can identify what objective experience we are having without making any value judgements of it. Then we notice what feeling or feelings get triggered by that. If we can connect with those feelings, then we can do the next step. It's said that feelings always arise on the basis of needs - feelings are valuable information - if they are "positive" in nature, it means that our needs are being met, if "negative", then there are needs of ours which are not being met. Having identified what needs are, or are not, being met, we can then directly express things to others in the light of what we are feeling and needing. Finally, we can form requests and ask others to do specific and do-able things to support us in meeting those needs, (but without requiring them to do that).
When I've practised this, it feels a bit strange at first, but gradually it becomes more natural and it feels satisfying to be able to say what it is that is real for us at any moment in an authentic way. And then when listening, the same applies - you stop hearing the words, and look for the feelings and needs the person might be experiencing, and you can empathise with those directly, and reflect that back to them, along with a suggestion for a request".
(first attempt at trying to describe NVC without repeating ways I've heard it described before)
